| Current mood: |  hopeful |
| Current music: | I Bleed it Out - Linkin Park |
Benchmark
So I guess I have more to say that one little handful of sentences might say, little sister?
Why do I call you little sister anyway? I might be older, but you're the one who actually acts it.
And no, that's not an insult. ;)
Why do I answer the phone anymore? Especially when anyone I care about calls. Especially Mary Ann. A half hour later I feel like my brain has been ripped out in the traditional Egyptian method, and she's sobbing.
Blah. It's better then it looks, but it still feel like poop.
I'm never going to be good when you ask me to be Mary Ann. I'm not that kind of clutch guy. You ask me to stand up, I'll fall over. By contrast, if you plow in I'll be standing in the wake, providing you some measure of support and ballast. I don't know why it's been like that all my life...but it always has.
I've always been one step behind what you've needed. Not by design mind you. It's just been that way. When you were ready to listen, I was still getting ready to hatch. When you were burnt I was ready to talk.
I've said this before; I'm not trying to make this bigger then what it was. I'm just providing the starting point, cause this continues. This whole mess.
Where are you now? You're at your wits end, with almost no ability to make sense of anything. Where am I? At the start of myself, all over again, only this time I'm getting close to who I've been the entire time. Who you've known the entire time.
Am I rambling? Kind of, but it all has a point.
Tonight you wanted me to reassure you. I couldn't, and not just because I was mired in my own horse shit. It was because when asked, I don't know how. It's when I just happens that all the stars align. I got off the phone with you, and I did mope for a bit.
Then I did the dishes, some laundry, and started cleaning out the closet.
It goes like this; I'm trying as hard as I can to be who I need to be and the way that I need to be. Maybe this shit-shack I'm living in is the best thing for me cause I need to be me for me before I am anything else. Who knows. I'm not even trying to care about it right now.
I don't have a contingency. That doesn't bother me; I'll land on my feet.
I have no back up plant; I don't need.
This is what I have to do and it shall be done. Will it be the best for us? Won't know till I get there. But I bet you it will be.
I have faith that it will be.
That's the best I can do. Both for me, and for you.
Love you babe.
