| Current mood: |  sleepy |
| Current music: | None |
A Moment's Reflection
For the curious, the car accident fiasco is progressing smoothly. Conversations with my mother have made it obvious that, no matter how the insurence company would LIKE to see it, it's the woman's fault and not Mary Ann's.
Kiss my ass Erie.
I've been really trying to open myself up emotionally; feel how others feel, rather then just judge them and move on. I still need to stick to my guns here; I can't let myself be absorbed in the sufferings and what not of others. Still, I need to find balance.
It's been a remarkable expierence thus far; I would have never guessed that I'd find sides to DB that I didn't know exist, yet I still acknowledge his responisibility in creating those same damaging sides. In turn, I end up learning more about myself from the observation. It's been enlightening to say the least.
Have been able to open up to Mary Ann in the same way? Not quite...but I'm getting there. Then again, I've been finding that hard in of itself.
I've discovered that I equate yelling with hate. It's a rough paradigm, and yelling isn't the only thing that triggers it, but that is still a generelly acurate way to look at. With thing so rough right now, yelling and raised voices have become the order of the day and I just...shut down...almost involentarily. It helps save myself from the pain.
More to the point, her other actions aside, I feel hated. Which is dumb; any woman willing to put up with me for this long obviously loves me.
But then she raises her voice, and I crack a bit. Later, she'll bring up something I forgot to do for far too long in a very angry angry voice...and I'll crack a bit more. Later on she'll just be tired, and want to rest, and I end up feeling a little bit rejected and...
Blah...I just end up feeling like hell. I end up wanting to hurt myself, but so far I've managed to not go anywhere close to that. I've thumped my head off a wall or two at work when I'm fairly sure no one is looking...but that's about it.
Sometimes I think I need a cleaner slate then she can honestly give me.
I've been keeping an eye ball on Rose and Nicole lately, a fact which would probably give Zombie more then slight annoyence but I don't really care; it's platonic as all hell, and it's not like I'm hiding anything.
My bigger worry is Mary Ann, who sees me sort of have the attraction to small, innocent-ish seeming, submissive girls...I think it's a pinch of jealousy; not sure. In any event, that's not it either, though her feelings are a bit more understandable.
When it comes to Rose...I just really know the girl. It feels like a decade since we were really close, but she is still the same old Rose. I may have once wanted her, but that time has long passed. I have a relationship with a good woman...a good woman who stands besides me despite my faults and is a WOMAN...not someone trying to figure out the woman she is trying to be.
No, it doesn't come down to old intrests and crushs...it comes down to some sense of...I dunno...familly? She sure as fuck ain't my sister; that's Lucy, and it always will be. However, she does feel like some sort of close cousin, or something. I really feel like the only man who she knows who hasn't been a relationship with her, or who want to fuck the shit out of her just because. I actually want to help her, and I sometimes wonder if I'm the only one who does.
I just worry about her I guess.
With Nicole...the situation is a bit different. No familiarity. Is she attractive? Yes, in a unique sort of way that doesn't describe well at that...but I still don't have any interest in her. Aside of the obvious "would have to dump my girlfriend of 3.5 years, who I love, for someone I really don't know very well at all and allianate both her and my best friend, who is her ex, in the process" reasoning...I don't know. I guess she's like a rare flower to me; pretty and exotic, but nothing that makes me want to pick up botony or something.
She's...just interesting. Amazingly articulate and intelligent...she is one of those sorts of people that has a spark...a spark of amazing potential. It's boundless, and could fuel her the rest of her days....and I think she's going to end up letting it smoulder and it just makes me sad. I wish I could help influence her in some small way....but I don't think I'll ever be in that position and well...it is what it is. I hope she finds herself and recognizes she is something amazing, with or without someone holding the proverbial or literal leash. I would tell her that, but I think we don't speak the same language, metaphorically speaking.
So I settle for, upon occasion, checking her DJ or Myspace. See what she's up to. She's the sort of person I just like to root for, and it's always nice when I see she's doing good.
Just what I've been thinking about lately
